August 30, 2021
My name is Mattie E. Miller, and I left home, my family, and my friends on October 9, 2018.
For twenty-six years of my life, I was born and raised in the Amish community of Middlefield, Ohio. I am the 2nd youngest in a family of twelve with seven sisters and four brothers. Only two sisters and I are not married.
I had a good home life for the most part, but I had my struggles like any average person has. I was always very soft-hearted, tender, and easily brought to tears at the slightest pain from an early age – probably 6-7 years old. I was stubborn and rebelled pretty easily. I didn’t have the best school and underwent years of a lot of bullying.
I was taught at an early age about Jesus but didn't truly know what it meant to be born again. I was crying out to Him for help, and my Grandma had a big part of that. She led me to know Jesus like no one else ever did. There were times where I felt no one understood me. Yet, every time I unloaded to Grandma, I felt better. I shared a room with her for quite a few years till she moved in with her daughter.
I was already struggling with depression/anxiety, which I didn’t realize till after I turned 24 years old. I had some on-going health problems that were keeping me awake at night. I couldn’t sleep because of pain. I had taken a very hard fall down a flight of stairs onto a hard cement floor earlier the year before. I finally went against my parents’ wishes and sought help with a therapist and a chiropractor. They did not believe in chiropractic care, but I knew if I didn’t do something, I would totally break down and lose my sanity.
I could immediately tell a difference after two weeks of intense therapy. The Doctor started asking questions about my life. I could not understand why he asked me the questions he did that day, yet I truly believe that he knew I was about to completely lose myself and have a breakdown. How little did the doctor know what was about to happen. I did not spare details. I was pretty open about my depression and the struggles in my life.
It is by the grace of God and because of that Doctor I am writing this today. If he would not have sent me to the ER after a random black-out/anxiety attack, I would probably have not lived another day. No one understood my pain and my frustration. All I heard was, “You’re imagining it.”
Grandma had passed away in January of 2010 and oh, how I missed her. I so often felt alone. I became frustrated myself…couldn’t understand why no one could see the pain, etc. I had seen a Doctor for medication, which I later found out was actually hurting me more than helping. I got the worst sores in my mouth from chewing, biting my lips, etc. They made it worse.
Anyways, I was sent to the ER in August. Despite all my begging for the doctor to just let me go home, he refused to allow it. I am very glad he did not, yet at the time, I was very angry. I was scared of my parents and family’s reaction. Yet, through it all, it was probably one of my best days of my life other than the day I was actually saved and born again. Finally, I got a break – a rest from it all.
I continued pushing through it all, not realizing that I had friends who actually cared and understood. I was in the hospital a week and two days. My little nephew passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. Before he died I had talked it over with his parents (my brother), and they were hoping I could move in with them after being discharged from the hospital. I was with them for nearly four weeks before I could go to Woodside Rest as a resident. I began counseling the day after the funeral of my nephew. I didn’t allow myself to cry or show much emotion. I was in shock angry at God.
From the day I met my counselor until I was at Woodside Rest for two weeks as a resident, I’d talked about basic everyday struggles, but when the flood gates opened, she soon realized I needed more help than previously thought, or said. There were mixed opinions about the fact I needed help, etc. from my family. A few thought I needed it, but not all of them. I was there 9 ½ weeks. I had an out pouring of support from my home church – friends and relatives.
My family and all except one of my siblings (to which I am not giving a name) kind of let me sit after finding out I was not moving home, but moving elsewhere. I don’t believe they knew half how I fought my counselor. I insisted, begged, and pleaded to go home to my parent’s after Woodside Rest to no avail. I finally accepted the fact family was still very unsupportive of it all. I felt like a stranger when my parents’ house I moved in with a married couple who had no children. I was there about 3 months. I had a complete break down – tried suicide. I was asking ?? Trying to understand the cold hard facts – that my family just never would be the same no matter what I did – I asked forgiveness. I said I am sorry - but still nothing. I felt unloved – disconnected, etc. After being discharged a 2nd time from the same hospital, I was sent taken to Wind Song Hill in Loudonville, OH. My support group got me there. That is where my life changed. I finally found not only answers, but also peace with God, etc. I was listening to Nelson Coblentz’s testimony in May of 2018. I realized I needed to repent of my sins and ask Jesus in my heart and into my life. I cried out to God and He reached out game me peace beyond words a joy that can’t be described. I then realized like never before I needed to ask forgiveness of those I wronged – hurt, etc before it wasn’t from the right place of my heart. I was blind but now I saw. Yet even after my experience, etc, Satan again, wanted to ruin my life my mind etc. I had enough tools, and promises of God that I knew it was the enemy not Jesus. Cause God is not a God of confusion
It was at that time I realized I wasn’t fighting flesh and blood… but principalities and powers – of the evil one rulers authorities and spiritual forces in the heavens. I began seeing things in a new perspective. I realized like never before I couldn’t hold any grudges. I needed to forgive those who did wrong and most important of all, accept myself as God created me. I felt darkness weighing on my heart my life – the peace I had was just not there after about 3 weeks of wrestling one AM without another thought about it, I decided I was leaving home – the Amish community for good. I had no idea where I’d go to what I’d do for a living, much less where I would stay. It was a day I won’t soon forget. I did it without a second thought. I told no one about it. I did let my best friend know. She was very eager to help and find me a place to stay. I headed to Holmes County Ohio. I had been offered to stay at Wind Song Hill…yet I found when I called just before getting to Holmes ville area that wouldn’t work – lucky for me. I had one other option – Andrew and Emma Miller who I had met and stayed with a few nights while at Wind Song Hill. I was lost, didn’t know how to explain to my driver how to get there. I knew my way till Mount Eaton – my driver had no GPS – so I called Emma – and we decided on a meeting area where I would just get off and then my driver wouldn’t have to drive another 45 minutes to get there. He was lost. After a week at Andrew’s I had a job and a place to rent. God opened doors where I thought for sure I would not find a job or place. My family was very upset and friends. I knew that Andrew’s dealt with a lotof phone calls… that… I probably never will ever be told about. There were a few I witnessed. I knew it would be a hard blow for my parents and the church I grew up. I was very close to the home church. I really don’t have much of a reason I left – especially not just one certain reason. I really didn’t know how it felt to be shunned – excommunicated…up until then. I do now.
And I do not believe it right ot excommunicate anyone who leaves for a better relationship with God. More so, it should be used when there is drinking, smoking and partying going on with adults and members of the church – even sexual fornication, etc. Anything that defiles the body of Christ Jesus should be punished. But even then, let God – Jesus do the judging no men. Matthew 7:1. Do not judge so that you won’t be judged. 2 For you will be judged by the same standard with which you judge others and you will be measured by the same measure you use. I guess one other thing that really bothered me is how fast and furious our tongues can go…talking about someone else without knowing the truth behind the story or circumstance. Sadly, I did the same thing at one time. In James 3:8-10, but no one can tame the tongue. It is restless evil, full of deadly poison. With the tongue we bless our Lord and Father and with it we curse people who are made in God’s likeness. Blessing and cursing come out of the same mouth. My brothers and sisters, these things should not be this way. Because therefor there is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus because the law of the Spirit of life is Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1-2. He did not spare his own Son but offered him up for us all. How will He not also grant to us everything? Who can bring an accusation against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies…further on in Romans 8:28 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life no angels nor rulers nor things present or things to come nor powers neither height nor depth nor any created thing will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. God loves us all equally – not one is better than the other. What He cares the most about is our heart our very own heart. How do I live a s a Christian. Do I live the way Jesus did before He was crucifield for our sins? Am I forgiving those who I feel don’t deserve it? I should be. You know I am not a perfect human. I had my faults still do always will have…After I moved to Holmesville, Berlin, Ohio, I began to see how wrong I was in a lot of areas of my life
I had a lot of adjustments made in my life – yet… I was still dealing with a lot of bitterness.. I was hurting..also but refused to allow myself to let it out… to my new found friends. I stuffed all my emotions pain. There were times I talked about it. But very seldom. I didn’t believe it would benefit anyone. I was so wrong. I started dating = and soon realized that I had to break it off. I broke off our friendship for 4 ½ months in Nov 2019. I again let him back in my life. I wanted to be loved accepted for who I was and he was the only one I felt I could talk to - understood my struggles, etc. depression. We planned on going to Florida for a week. I knew that my parents would not want me to go someplace alone for that long…alone together no others with us. I had quit my first job I started after moving to Holmes County – and began working at the Crust Bakery not realizing that it was a slow time of year. I wouldn’t be working more than 3 days a week. I was still making payments on Doctor bills – hospital. And once I realized I would be off work for a whole week over Christmas, etc. I forgot who I was…all the lies crept in see you are not capable able to provide for yourself, what is the point of living – trying to live like someone you are not. I texted a friend, just a random, everyday how are you, etc? And then decided to end my life for once and for all. I was done with life. I couldn’t understand why me? I was mad at God – only He wasn’t done with me yet. That text I sent to my friend got immediate attention. I didn’t tell her anything as far as I am done with life, but somehow she and her husband knew I was in need of help and called 911. That I didn’t know till after I was at the ER. God sent an angel to save me.. awaken what little fight I had left in my heart. I over dosed on sleeping meds. I had also quit my depression meds cold turkey…without thinking how it would affect me, just prior to this…about a week before. Anyhow, I was out like pretty sudden, much more quick then I expected..I also took enough pain
Medication that I felt I could cut myself but once the meds took hold I couldn’t even focus what I was doing much less stand on my 2 feet. I felt paralyzed – couldn’t move my head off the pillow or keep my eyes open – I could open them, but all was a blur. And then what I had done to myself took over. I don’t recall all of the prayer – but I remember hearing Mattie you are worth it you are not uncapable. I’ve wished I wrote down the prayers right after I could – not only I didn’t… yet the experience of what I had just done came rushing at me like a brick wall crushing holding me down. I started pleading God help me. Call 911. I did not know Anita the friend I had sent the random text had already called it in. They she didn’t know if she did the right or wrong things? They were waiting to hear from someone or myself. I had dropped my phone down – beside the bed-… I don’t know how I got a hold of the phone much less how I dialed 911…they only explanation was God Jusus helped me… I promised then and there to not again attempt to take my life if He would spare my life and I also promised I’d help others, no matter what the circumstances. I knew the pain first hand – by then how it was when you left your Amish community – family- etc. Yet God was not done. And is still not done with me yet. I left Laurel Wood and went to Sturgis Michigan to 12:6 operation. I was there 5 ½ weeks. I left…went to my boyfriend’s place which was only 30 minutes away. After talking it through, we decided to go back Amish, both of us. I was mainly doing it for him, not myself. A big mistake…I moved back to the Amish in February 2020 to John Shrock’s. He gave me his cell phone to advertise sell some household items I knew I couldn’t have on Facebook. I still at that time thought he was not doing anything wrong, yet I found out different at the time I found out Covid 19 had it and I had no luck finding a job for fear of shut down by most employers. I panicked after realizing he was not at all who I thought he was and it broke me so much I decided to call back and leave for a 2nd time.
I hadn’t been taken up as a member yet in the Amish church yet…which I was very glad it hadn’t gotten that foar. After talking with Tillie and Dan Molzan, I was told I could come back to 6:12. I left Middlefield Ohio at around 4:45 PM. Lock down was going to start at midnight…no out of state traveling. I made it to Sturgis safe and sound with plenty of time for my driver to cross state lines again before 12 PM. That began a journey that led me here. I realize now like never before …be open ask for help – seek help – don’t push everyone away – there are so many changes when you leave everything you’ve known all your life, etc. And take responsibility of your actions, behaviors, etc…choices you made. They were no one else’s fault except your own. Playing the blame game won’t work at the end of the day. When you stand before God, it will be you and God not someone else your parent’s or sibling.. to decide if you are deserving heaven or hell. It’s only you and God – you can’t blame it on anyone but yourself. That was one of the main – and very important things I learned at Operation 6:12. I am ever so thankful for that ministry… It was there…that I was granted baptism this time I knew…in my heart – what a born again life – Christian walk is. I began all over. I had a relationship with God – but there I learned – even more how I should = make choices – always seek God before doing anything big, small or tiny – MY relationship with God was not great till I was at 6:12 for nearly 3 weeks. I then…saw Jesus in a new light. I experienced His grace and mercy like I never experienced before. He led me through a lot of pain, why’s, questions.. and doubts. I am very excited for this new journey with Him – by my side.. here at New Beginnings.. I was going through all this God was preparing me to help others with similar struggles.. I didn’t think how could a trial help someone else.. but I see it now. I had to experience all that I did in order to help.. others.. Otherwise how could I walk beside someone not having experienced no pain in the journey?! I also now know that trials bring growth. Being uncomfortable deepens your faith and trust in God far more than anything ever will. If you want to mature grow in Christ, become uncomfortable.. don’t … stay in the comfort zone.
What community = Middlefield, OH. There were good and bad things like any other environment in the Amish – growing up – I didn’t understand why all the rules, etc. tradition – church based rules. I didn’t care to have more freedom. I wasn’t one of the fence crowders. I was a people pleaser. Which got me into a lot of trouble once I gained confidence to speak up – stand on what I believed – I realized God was the only one I should be pleasing not man – God wants to trust Him first before men! He is ruler over all..not us humans. I knew I was taught well – how to work and make a living. I have a lot of good memories of home, not all was bad. I enjoyed – my life till I was told to start – seeking help for anxiety depression. I was depressed but the depression – so called in Amish – was more so questions of why this not that. I also started seeking scripture – and the more I questioned – Bible scripture, the more I was told to seek help -.. Medication won’t and didn’t stop me from seeking God. I still sought.. even though my parents didn’t agree! I am thankful for the life I had and what I was taught – it wasn’t easy life was hard – and it still is at times – yet God is faithful – He does help, when we ask…and you also find if you seek after His truth. Grandma probably helped me the most when it came to the hard knocks – in me! I didn’t have the best relationship with my Mom. I don’t ever remember having a deep conversation – that didn’t lead – to a disaster. – I was the misfit black sheep of the family. I was a very sensitive person deeply affected – I hurt a lot when I saw others being shoved, judged wrongly, etc. But I was to toughenup… not show it. Not in my family.- I did. For sometime till I ended up in hospital. The church ministry had a big part of my life also! Till I discovered they would not do anything to help my situation. I returned to Amish in 2020 not for myself but for my boyfriend – I discovered he was not who he said he was… after being back home I had reg flags but then I caught him red-handed.
He was cheating on me. Experience at 6:12 = I guess my life was at rock bottom when I got to 6:12. I was groping through heartbreak – rejectin – loss of my own identity – didn’t know exactly what I wanted just knew I needed help. Not a week in the program a second time around – I was asked to stay at the house – while all the others went to school house for a meeting with a few of net graduated and – director and husband of 6:12. They asked me – a few questions told me what they saw. And asked if I was OK – and if I felt any weight darkness that needed to leave me.. I answered yes.. I felt number few times like someone was choking the life out of me – After three hours of prayers and exorcism to me it didn’t seem 3 hours. I don’t remember half of what happened. I knew I was sitting at the beginning towards the end – I was flat on the floor… drenched in sweat – I do remember that I had to cry out to God – and rebuke Satan – before I felt what felt like a ton of bricks finally leave my body… I had requested baptism prior to exorcism – prayer etc.. and so as soon as that happened – I was asked if I still want the baptism or not. I said “yes”. By then I knew I hadn’t been baptized or taught what a true born again Christian life is – pertains – etc. I was scared more so than not when I was baptized in the Amish church. Afterwards, simply because I didn’t understand the truth – or because of not being thought what it is… the real meaning after baptism at 6:12. I felt like I could fly away.. I was so free – washed clean.. I had finally found my answers – only God can save you, not mad made rules.. tradition. I am ever so tankful for 6:12 ministry. Thank you Paul, Tillie for following God’s leading – the vision He gave you – has brought so many to Christ. And still is – today.. I’ve seen so many testimonies heard so many…many God bless you all! I also learned at the end of your life, it’s you and God alone.. to decide on if you are going to heaven or hell. It’s not a blamegame or
You and God… God decided not you or the other person. He is judge over all… and the one who will tell you well done… or no nigh..
How I got connected to MAP = through a friend of Middlefield Betty Miller. She gave me contact after I met with her in Middlefield on weekend in May. I prayed about it…finally called Joe – and we talked -.. not once a few times.- I flet the need of a ministry to help those who leave – never heard of MAP before then. I felt a callin from God to help others. It didn’t leave. I had at one point planned to go on my own start some thing. But still I want like God really? I am just finally financially set and secure and now I need to move again! I also wanted discipleship training – and to get a better understanding of the Bible who God is etc. and here they do provide that at New Beginnings. I also believe that we are called to go into all nations and make disciples – after accepting God as our Saviour and lord. I truly want to be that disciple. Some times you only plant the seed – But God can water and fertilize it – I’ve seen Him do it many times already – one of my accomplishments – would be to have a place home to call my own, have my own vehicle = GED education etc. and generally just continue growing serving helping. I am excited to see wht the future holds. Here at New Beginnings..
This letter has been published with permission from the owner.
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