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Dee ’ s News
Vo l ume 3 I ssue 3
One marriage
I know
has a unique approach to bring-
ing couples closer together. He
asks them to set their dinner ta-
ble with candlesticks and fine
china. He tells them both to
dress in their very best.
The
is to shave, splash on cologne, and wear
a suit and tie. The
is to do her hair, put on make-
up, and wear her most elegant dress. Then they are to
light the candles and eat their meal
.
According to the counselor, this simple assignment
improves almost every marriage. Why? When we're
dressed up, we tend to behave better. People are more
polite when they look nice and are in a more formal
setting. Candlesticks, fine china, and good grooming
provide this setting.
When a
and wife are rude, crude, insensitive,
or inattentive toward each other, you know something
is wrong. Yet when they treat each other well and
show gentleness, patience, thoughtfulness, or caring
toward one another, you know their marriage is proba-
bly very healthy. You say to yourself, "There is a cou-
ple in love." You might even say, "I wish we could be
more like that."
Sometimes, in an attempt to improve our relation-
ships, we create a list of all the things our spouse could
and should do better. This strategy rarely works. The
only thing it accomplishes is to make us more frustrat-
ed and discontented. I suggest that you start with
yourself. As you become more polite and kindhearted,
sooner or later your spouse will notice. (I promise she
will.) In time, it will start to rub off on her — probably
not as fast as you wish it would, but if you are patient
and consistent, things will improve. Unfortunately,
most of us get tired and give up too soon. We nag and
demand and threaten and decide to give him a little of
his own medicine. In doing so, we become just as rude
as he is, and things get worse instead of better
.
Make a commitment to start with yourself. Start today
to be more polite and less demanding, more consider-
ate and less obnoxious, more generous and less hurt-
ful, more attentive and less distracted, more thankful
and less selfish. As a psychologist, I call this "positive
regard." When you treat your spouse with positive re-
gard, she soon begins to feel better about herself, about
you, and about your marriage. Positive regard com-
municates acceptance, respect, and honor. Good man-
ners do the same thing.
Another great way to mind your manners is to say, "I'm
sorry." For some reason this seems especially hard for
guys. The words are so simple, but we don't say them
nearly as often as we should. Good manners demand
that you say, "I'm sorry" whenever it is needed. Unfor-
tunately, many couples don't recognize when it is need-
ed
.
So here are twelve times to say, "I'm sorry":
When you are wrong
When you are rude
When you are defensive
When you are impatient
When you are negative
When you are hurtful
When you are insensi-
tive
When you are forgetful
When you are confused
or confusing
When you have neglected something im-
portant to the one you love
When you have damaged something that
was your partner's
When you have not said, "I'm sorry" as sin-
cerely or quickly as you should have
These two words are not a cure-all for bad manners,
but they certainly don't hurt.. In the southern states
they often call good manners "social graces." Ann Platz
and Susan Wales, two southern belles who have written
a book on etiquette and charm, say that good manners
are a way to show our love. When we truly love some-
one we act a certain way.
Being polite is simply an effort to be kind, show re-
spect, and treat others in the way they most desire to be
treated. Wales sums it up this way: "Where there is
love, there are manners." And let me add this: Where
there are good manners, there is the potential for a
great marriage.
Copyright © 2006, Dr. Steve Stephens, Used with permission
.
Mini Manners Manual ~ For a Great Marriage: Mind Your Manners (Continued)
By Dr. Steve Stephens